An email conversation I had earlier today explored the possibility that France might have colonised New Zealand. I had little bit of fun with my limited Photoshop skills, and re-edited the email as a blog post. All the sterotypes herein are for humourous purpose only.

Notre-Dame-des-Escargots and the skyline of Nouvelle-Marseille by night
Following the declaration of French dominion in October 1839, Nouvelle-Zélande was settled by thousands of colonists called Jean-Marc and Brigitte who hailed from mainly from Poitou, Brittany and Normandy (regions that were always disproprortionately represented in French colonial emigration).
Most of the British settlers already in the islands, finding that they were now ruled from Paris, either moved to Australia or returned to Britain, where they ended up working in the textile mills of the English Midlands. (Those who moved to the Midlands got the better deal, because their descendants can now buy a decent curry).
New Zealand was divided into two “départements”, Ile-du-Nord (101) and Ile-du-Sud (102), thus becoming an integral part of metropolitan France. Great Barrier Island was commandeered in the early 1850s for use as a flax plantation worked by Parisian convicts. Today the island is an ecological disaster-area.
For colonial administrators, Nouvelle-Zélande was for many decades considered a hardship post, run by second-tier civil servants who had failed in their application for postings to Ouagadougou. A ruthless campaign of francisation was introduced: by 1900 all Maori were speaking French, except in Taranaki, where local Breton school teachers rebelled against Paris by teaching their own language. To this day, the Taranaki locals remain incomprehensible to outsiders.
Port Nicholson (Crotteville-sur-Mer) is the préfecture of the Ile-du-Nord département. Crotteville is frequented by art lovers for its UNESCO-registered 19th century cast-iron pissoirs. Their pétanque team are world champions, thanks to training in such windy conditions.

The tricouleur flies proudly over the Préfecture building in Crotteville
Nouvelle-Marseille (known to early British settlers as Auckland) is reputed to be the “largest Algerian city in the Southern Hemisphere”, and the suburb of Ponsonbie is world-famous for its Hausmann-era and Art-Nouveau apartments. A marble-domed Catholic basilica stands prominently on the North Shore, built by public subscription as penitence for the sins of rioting citizens committed during the Great Camembert Shortage of 1887.
British plans to build a city called “Christchurch” were rapidly abandoned, but today Lyttleton and Akaroa are linked by government-subsidised trams.
Nouvelle-Zélande has become a popular holiday destination for French celebrities. Catherine Deneuve lives 8 months of the year in her luxury villa in Wakatipu-les-Bains (formerly Queenstown), a resort that hosts the Cannes film festival in alternate years and is famous for exorbitant real estate prices, industrial-scale skiing and several Michelin-starred restaurants.

The Pont Mitterand and the Monts du Kaikoura in Ile-du-Sud (viewed from l’Ile-du-Nord)
A few Scottish settlers chose to stay on in the south of Ile-du-Sud département under French rule, and today many of their descendants work in the world’s southernmost Peugeot factory in Sainte-Marie-des-Etudiants (formerly Dunedin).
Travel time from Sainte-Marie-des-Etudiants to Nouvelle-Marseille has been reduced to less than 6 hours thanks to a TGV line that crosses Cook Strait via the world’s longest suspension bridge, the “Pont Mitterand” (built in the 1980s as a magnificent but misguided gesture of state interventionism by the central government in Paris, and whose construction was characterised by strikes, budget over-runs and the arrest and conviction of local government officials for accepting under-the-table payments from contractors).

A TGV-NZ zooms past Mont Ngauruhoe
The seas around Nouvelle-Zélande are all fished out, and almost all food is imported from France, due to dirigiste agricultural policies in the 1970s and EU subsidies which led to the entire country’s production being converted to sugar beet and Roquefort cheese. The US tariff on Roquefort introduced by George W. Bush has hit the economy of Nouvelle-Zélande very hard.
Due to the need for imports and the compulsory adoption of the Euro, the cost of living in Nouvelle-Zélande is exorbitant. Regular strike action by local unions complaining about living costs bring few concessions from President Sarkozy in Paris. Marlborough vineyards (Côtes de Wairau appellation controlée) constitute 80% of the territory’s export revenue. The speed limit on the roads is 130km/h. Hawkes Bay is uninhabitable due to a massive accident at the Cape Kidnappers nuclear power plant in 1978.
Over 160 years, Nouvelle-Zélande has developed its own distinctive French-based Creole, mixing Normand dialect and Breton words with borrowings from a defunct Maori language and possibly some English terms derived from early trading contact with Australia. French is the language of education, commerce and government, but local inhabitants speak Creole at home when baking tartiflette or sitting down to a 4-hour Sunday lunch (the shops are closed on Sundays, so everyone gets together for a family meal).
Nouvelle-Zélande is really really rubbish at rugby, regularly losing to the Italians and Argentinians. But the inhabitants don’t care: they are experts at shrugging.